I wish that I could just fully let go

I wish that those words you sent me had made me angry

Or built up some bitterness inside

So I could use it as a crutch and push off the feelings of sadness for just a bit longer

But it hit me like a ton of bricks

And I’m still off balance from it


I should never have let myself think it could really happen

I should never have thought that I had a chance with you

I should never have told you my hopes and dreams


I should have known what would happen if I got close to you

Just like everyone else that has gotten close to you


Hell, you even told me what happens to people who get too close

Why did I ever think I would be any different


But even after all this

I’m not angry

Not even sad

Just empty and disappointed


A million fish in the sea, yes

But only one you

And I can’t have you


Moments of light

They aren’t often

Or maybe if they were, they wouldn’t be so special

They come and remind you

Of something far off

Something to be attained, yet in the future

Something greater than the now


The darkness is there, always

But the light is there when it is required



Someone should stop him

There’s a young man walking the street

His eyes are glazed slightly and his walk is aimless

There is an air of danger

An aura of anxiety


He is unpredictable

And powerful

And to be feared

As you pass you may feel the hairs on the back of your neck rise


The air is cold

As his heart would seem to be

If you could feel it

His clothes conceal the true motivations


Someone should stop him

No indeed, someone needs to stop him


And tell him he is loved

Before I learned not to feel

Before I learned not to feel

I felt the flower and thorn alike

I felt the pain of loss and betrayal

And felt the joy of love and loyalty


I felt the pain of my kidneys

As they screamed for my body to stop poisoning itself

I felt the hurt of my veins as the blood turned to mud

I felt the searing anxiety of the near death experience

And wished that I was a little closer


But I also felt the love of my friends surrounding me

Shaving their heads in support of me

Even though it made them look stupid

And I felt the joy of coming close enough to death to not fear it

And the bliss of reading the notes left by those who had been through the same as I

Even though they never made it as far as I did


Before I learned not to feel, I felt alive

Now, there is only the empty vastness

And the great far far away

Give me a pen

So I can learn how to feel again


Again I see you

But it’s a little easier because there’s more people around

I can deal with it then

Because I can distract myself


But still, of course, there’s something lingering

Some sort of itching feeling

Gnawing at the glass case around my box of emotions

Threatening to let them out


I can’t ever let them out, right?

What would people think of me if I did?

Certainly I can’t

That would be too much of a risk

And I’ve never wanted to take risks when it comes to my feelings

But then again, I did with you


I guess I’ll never change


You still have power over me

I don’t know how, I thought I was stronger than this

Something in my head feels broken

Maybe its just the drugs

But no, there’s something else

A chance missed

There’s a million fish in the sea

But I’ll never find another you

Slow Time

Time slows as chemicals hit my brain

I feel sluggish and slow, but also on edge

I feel it first, then i remember it


That old friend, faithful and true

Come to drag me down

Come to hurt me again


I use my last lucid thought to cry out

“I will be ok”

Then I slide into the darkness once again and lose my way