I wish that I could just fully let go

I wish that those words you sent me had made me angry

Or built up some bitterness inside

So I could use it as a crutch and push off the feelings of sadness for just a bit longer

But it hit me like a ton of bricks

And I’m still off balance from it


I should never have let myself think it could really happen

I should never have thought that I had a chance with you

I should never have told you my hopes and dreams


I should have known what would happen if I got close to you

Just like everyone else that has gotten close to you


Hell, you even told me what happens to people who get too close

Why did I ever think I would be any different


But even after all this

I’m not angry

Not even sad

Just empty and disappointed


A million fish in the sea, yes

But only one you

And I can’t have you


Before I learned not to feel

Before I learned not to feel

I felt the flower and thorn alike

I felt the pain of loss and betrayal

And felt the joy of love and loyalty


I felt the pain of my kidneys

As they screamed for my body to stop poisoning itself

I felt the hurt of my veins as the blood turned to mud

I felt the searing anxiety of the near death experience

And wished that I was a little closer


But I also felt the love of my friends surrounding me

Shaving their heads in support of me

Even though it made them look stupid

And I felt the joy of coming close enough to death to not fear it

And the bliss of reading the notes left by those who had been through the same as I

Even though they never made it as far as I did


Before I learned not to feel, I felt alive

Now, there is only the empty vastness

And the great far far away

Give me a pen

So I can learn how to feel again